Oh, the Pain! The Pain!
by Dr. Zachary Smith
I understand that you, my acolytes, have been struggling in your war against Islamofascism. Your enemies within, including those insufferable unserious bumptious cowards John Kerry, John Murtha, Max Cleland and Wesley Clark (and I have my eye on you, John McCain…something tells me that you are a vainglorious pantywaist!!) are doing everything in their power to make it tougher for our Great Leader to prevail in this war of all wars--WORLD WAR III--against those sheet-wearing villains in the Middle East! But we have so many brave fellows on our side doing all that is possible to help our great leader prevail. I’m talking about people like “Chesty”
David Warren, one of the bravest souls that has ever lived, his penchant for little fishes and cockle shells notwithstanding. We can be sure that if a submachine-gun-welding Islamofascist enters our line of vision, dear Rick will throw himself upon the infidel and save us all from a bloodbath. I’m also talking about Mark Steyn, the dear boy! What can you say about this renaissance man that hasn’t been already said! A military genius of the first rank, whose talent for strategy makes Matthew Ridgway and George Patton look like CUB SCOUTS! We will have no problem defeating the enemy as long as a man of his caliber is leading our troops.
And what about Jeff Goldstein? A househusband with nerves of steel (and protein-enriched wisdom! What a clever boy!) I look forward to his appointment as Secretary of State when this mess is over. Of course he’ll have to do something about that unfortunate choice of headgear, but no matter…his unfailing gallantry and seriousness of purpose is a source of comfort to all of us on the field. Of course there is also the gang at the Corner: K-Lo, J-Pod, The Derb. On the other hand, forget the Derb, his foppery is such a downer these days! And how can we not forget the lovely and vivacious spinsters Ann Coulter and Debbie Schlussel. Their gift of the very best years of their life is an inspiration to us all. When most women their age are changing diapers and heating up formula, they are putting themselves on the front lines, willing to appear on television…any television to get our message across…EVEN ONE TELEVISION WILL SUFFICE: OUR STRUGGLE IS THAT IMPORTANT! So what if MSNBC and FOX News get a fraction of the ratings of a Flobie infomercial! The important thing is that they are our doing our bidding and we should be grateful for their sacrifice! Of course some of our comrades are loving mothers, like the aforementioned Jeff Goldstein and the lovely Michelle Malkin. The fact that dear Michelle risked the safety of her family to expose those ungrateful unwashed college hippies is all we have to know about her fealty! I do worry about her mental health, though. The brutalization that she must have endured at the hippie college! That she lasted a semester is a miracle—I BLAME THE INDIGO GIRLS!!!!
Of course a war like this cannot be won on strength alone. We need brains as well. How hopeful I am of our eventual victory knowing such engaging figures like James Lileks (The Boswell of Himself!) are contributing their insights to our cause. And John Stossel! What a clever boy, standing logic on its head at every given opportunity. I look forward to his next volume attacking popular beliefs. (A modern day Ferris Bueller he is!) Some suggested titles: Why the Holocaust Was Good for the Jews; Lead Three Times a Day; The Healing Power of Incest: What the Liberal Media Won’t Tell You. There are others I would like to thank for their sacrifice, especially those College Republicans across our great nation who have made it their duty to defend us through fund-raising activities, non-profit work and strongly worded editorials and letters in their college newspapers, but I have precious little time at the moment….Oh dear…I have just clicked on Michelle’s Hot Air,,,and…oh dear…breaking news…oh dear..it seems like a brown-skinned harridan has smuggled a jar of hand cream and a NAIL CLIPPER on a TRANSLANTIC FLIGHT!
Oh dear….OH DEAR!!!!!!!!!!!
